Two considerations

1. Why do I make the things I do? 

2. What legacy will remain after I am gone?

These are two questions that I often wander upon, though the answers I find for them always seem to melt and slip away. One day the answer for the first may be clear and opaque for the other, then the next day it will have flipped. Another day the answers to both questions may be clouded, and clarity found to be fleeting. Recently, I have become more familiar with these two questions.

1.  I think, since I was little, I have felt the need to attempt to cope with my loss of the past, the present, and the future simultaneously. Anxiety has always plagued me… I feel fear for what has passed, terror at what I can see, and inconsolable grief for all that I can imagine. It isn't pleasant to feel like this, and when I was younger it completely overtook my thoughts. Making what I do is the escape I developed. Escape from fear, and escape from my own lonely tears.

2. Will my legacy be made up of my actions, or will it be composed of the things I have created? I can't decide which I prefer; to be remembered for the self I doubt, or for the things I love most. I have always strived to create things greater than myself, greater than I ever could be. If they could exist more permanently than my body I could achieve some sliver of immortality; permanence. Could I be more important than the things I create? Do I want to be more than a footnote?

Mine,

pee-bee