unstable equilibrium

Trying to stay within the lines…

*The silence rings loudly…

Your suffering is piled up in the corner of the room, an acidic mass of temptation.
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Tender and untended to, it had grown. A cancerous tumor of untenable emotion. Pure of heart, but still pushing ahead its own impure existence.
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You feel sorry for it, you feel sorry for yourself, and you feel sorry for everyone who has borne witness to this suffering.
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Your dignity is a fine dust scattered across the ground underfoot, your self-worth has been ballooned by hedonism, and your mirror image bloated to it's bursting point.
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What action must be taken to remedy this situation you find yourself in? You ask this question while staring deep into the sun's fiery gaze.
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Blood red and overflowing with delightful anger, it is stoic in its position. It stares back, deep through your eyes, directly into your shaken being.
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It utters not one single word, but in this moment, you comprehend the answer. You understand it wholly. You have known it all along; from the moment of birth up until now, this answer has existed within you.
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The flurried confusion you have bred in, the molten pain you have wallowed in, and the maleficent horrors you were witness to have been brought by your blindness.
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You can see now, no longer hindered by uncertainty.
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Pure of heart, you can ascend.
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Through blood, you will provide prosperity
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Through blood, you shall be reborn.

[ERROR: EXCEPTION 41-22 ENCOUNTERED]
[Page 1: Section A -excerpt below]

I have just spent the past two months in the most stressed, strung out, and depressed state I think I have ever been in. Pushing myself past what I'm capable of because I know if I cannot do this, then I am not who I want to be. I want to be someone capable of whatever is dreamed, whatever is wanted, and whatever is needed. Now though, I have lost my momentum, and I have lost the game. My commitment waned, my grip loosened, and I slipped past the point of recovery. I lost and have been lost. Though all this self-hatred boils close to the surface I am calm, and I am curious. I lost, and I feel better than I have, content as a failure. What does that say about the person I am? Does it mean I should indeed give up or does it allude to me needing to get back up and push even harder? Looking back at the past year I think I have truly expressed who I am, put myself in a position that exemplified that person, and showed what they were capable of. Now that person is dead, the fever dream is over, and I'm left only with the realization that I am not good enough. I am not capable of being the person that those I love need, and I am only capable of being the person I need to be for so long until I slip again, over and over.

M IN LOVE WITH YOU, AND ALL THESE THINGS THAT I FIND DRAWING BLOOD FROM DEEP WITHIN MY BODY. I CANT TELL WHAT IS REAL ANYMORE... MAYBE IT ALL IS, MAYBE NONE OF IT IS! EITHER WAY, I AM HERE RIGHT NOW, DRINKING FROM THIS FOUNTAIN. HELLO!

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... ... . .. ....... ..

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Drink your sins… you are being watched.

Don’t ever take your hands off the wheel, don’t ever let go of your head… Don’t ever let go of your body.

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[ERROR: EXCEPTION 41-22 ENCOUNTERED]
[Page 2: Section A -excerpt below]

I have a clear history of mistakes... In judgment and perception, mistakes that seem only to be repeated. These mistakes do not make me a horrible human, or one with poor intentions. Though these mistakes do make me someone who is destined to suffer, at their own hand. One sinner, doomed. One sinner, alone. I am so trapped in this cycle of misery, it is all I can do to clamour for any shred of happiness and understanding I can find. I want to feast upon it, like a wild animal that hasn't eaten in weeks am voracious. To consume those things that cover up the pain boiling up from inside. I will fight for the feast, and once I have it, I will guard it and tend to it with all my attention. I need it to survive. After many cycles of this, though, I find myself completely controlled by this race towards pleasure, like the gluttons and hedonistic fools I look down upon... but I only look down upon them because they are me. A reflection viewed in a rancid pool of blood, curdling at the moment as if it were alive. I am what I hate, and what I fear is me. Why? Why does this have to be my existence, I am happy, I am present, and I am loving. I treasure every breath and hold a special lust for every single moment I am given to continue living. Why do I have to feel this way, it's not what I believe, and it is not what I want to be. I have fought for years to hide from this and avoid being so destitute, and yet my path always wraps back around to being in this state, deliriously afraid.

HELP ME, IM REALLY FUCKING BROKEN… MY GUTS ARE HANGING OUT. IN THE MIDST OF A 22-YEAR-OLD MANIC EPISODE… I AM THE SUN AND YOUR MOOD! WHERE DOES ALL THIS BLOOD COME FROM? ONE TIME I TRIED TO DIE… I WILL BE SAVED, FOR I AM ME! I DESERVE LIFE c==3

[ERROR: EXCEPTION 41-22 ENCOUNTERED]
[Page 3: Section A -excerpt below]
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.
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Back to the point, I have lost, and I want to break out of these cycles. I attempted to escape a few weeks back, but I couldn't do it, because I am still locked in... so what now? My tension has lessened, I feel more like myself, I am happier than I have been in months and the weight has lifted. Yet I still yearn for relief, I don't want this to continue, but I don't want this to stop and be content existing as the person I despise. What do I do? Do I end it, do I exist as one I don't want to be, or do I begin the cycle again and attempt to change what I am at my core? I do not know, nor do I think I will ever. I am here, like this, until I have had enough. My flame burns brightly, until it does not. That end will be in my own hands, when I feel I have fully let go. I will bathe in my own blood, more than I ever have before. In a state of complete euphoria, overtaken by my own mortality and the meaning of a single action. I dream of it, I hunger for it. I do not want it. I want to stay, to cling to every moment I have, to spend them with those I love. I want to live, I want to breathe, I want to be my best... but I don't want to be here, as me. Oh well.